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February 16, 2004

Things you have to Believe to be a Republican Today

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Why? Because it's Monday and everyone could use some humor...

Sent to me by a friend...

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United Statesshould get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care Toall Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

If you think of any more, add them to the comments.

Posted by Karl-Thomas Musselman at February 16, 2004 03:00 PM | TrackBack

Comments

You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

Posted by: RED MEAT DEMOCRAT at February 16, 2004 09:48 PM

Abortion is the horribly immoral taking of a human life, but the death penalty is a great idea.

Posted by: JC at February 17, 2004 10:22 AM

We must reduce the size of goverment by doubling the military budget, incarcerating non-republican drug adicts, giving broad new powers to the justice department, and criminalizing consensual sex in the bedroom.

Posted by: Mix at February 18, 2004 04:13 PM

Gay marriages will lead to the destruction of the family; however, the sanctity of the marital institution is not diminished by divorce, which is every americans right.

Posted by: johnny dee at February 18, 2004 05:13 PM

It is of vital national importance that we punish Martha Stewart to the fullest extent of the law for selling some stock, but when Halliburton knowingly overcharges the government by millions of dollars, we just ask them to pay it back and it's all OK.

Posted by: davie at February 19, 2004 02:04 AM
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