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April 20, 2005

Blacklisting Pictures

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

First off, I have to thank Matt Hardigree (former SEC President here on campus) for posting this picture. I'm trying to think of a better caption, maybe some of y'all can help him out.

But as a follow up to last night's meeting, I'd like to hear your thoughts as the broader BOR community on the nature of the word "Blacklist" since there may be a resolution against it at next week's SG meetings. Where else have you seen movement's against terminology like this, what are your thoughts on it, is it racist, is this one step below the master/slave PC arguements....

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March 27, 2005

Happy Easter

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

I wish I had some chocolate...

Because this makes me hungry.

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March 21, 2005

Republicans Changing Party Symbol

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

The Republican National Committee announced that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The National Chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

Seriously though, I'm back in Austin after spending Spring Break back home working my father's city council race. Some updates on that and other city council races going on here in Texas coming in the next day or two. Looks like this place has done just fine without me being online for a week.

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March 04, 2005

From The Internets

By Jim Dallas

I couldn't have written a better essay myself:

An essay on Burnt Orange Report

'Brilliant', 'Quite Good', 'What?', these are just some of the comments made recently in the press regarding Burnt Orange Report. I really, really like Burnt Orange Report. While much has been written on its influence on contemporary living, it is yet to receive proper recognition for laying the foundations of democracy. It is estimated that that Burnt Orange Report is thought about eight times every day by the easily lead, trapped by their infamous history. At the heart of the subject are a number of key factors. I plan to examine each of these factors in detail and and asses their importance.

Social Factors

Society is a human product. Upon Peter Pinkleton-PishPosh's return to Britain he remarked 'class will refelect the inner hero' [1], he, contrary to my learned colleague Sir George Allen’s recent publication ‘Into the eye of , could not have been referring to eighteenth century beliefs regarding society. More a melody to societies dysfunctions than a parody of the self, Burnt Orange Report raises the question 'why?'

Some analysts have been tempted to disregard Burnt Orange Report. I haven’t. Just as a dog will return to its own sick, society will return to Burnt Orange Report, again and again.

Economic Factors

Is unemployment inherently bad for an economy? Yes. We shall examine the Lead-a-Duck-to-Water model, as is standard in this case.

Clearly the graphs demonstrates a strong correlation. Why is this? Recent studies indicate that the average wage will eventually break free from the powerful influence of Burnt Orange Report, but not before we see a standardised commercial policy for all. A sharp down turn in middle class investment may lead to changes in the market.

Political Factors

Modern politics owes much to the animal kingdom. Comparing current political thought with that held just ten years ago is like comparing Burnt Orange Report and former Wolves striker Steve Bull.

One quote comes instantly to mind when examining this topic. I mean of course the words of the uncompromising Achilles Skank 'Taking a walk across hot coals will inevitably hurt your feet.' [2] What a fantastic quote. If our political system can be seen as a cake, then Burnt Orange Report makes a good case for being the icing.
While Burnt Orange Report may be a giant amongst men, is it a dwarf amongst policy? I hope not.


We can say with certainty Burnt Orange Report plays a large part in the lives of all. It brings peace, brings glamour to an unglamorous time and statistically it's great.

As a parting shot here are the words of super-star Uma Pfeiffer: 'Burnt Orange Report is the new rock and roll! And the new opera!' [3]

[1] Flankton - The Complete History - 1999 Fantastico Publishing

[2] Skank - Politics for Dummies - PV6 Media

[3] My Burnt Orange Report! - Issue 4 - BFG Publishing

(This essay was automatically generated by this Web site)

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February 23, 2005

Everlasting Kitching Appliance

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

The Lasso (Statesman Blog) has the scoop on the Fridge that won't die.

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February 22, 2005

Gannon Song!

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Wonkette discovers a music tribute to our favorite White House pimp. What would we do without the blogosphere?

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By Jim Dallas

Down in the comments of an earlier post, I was called on referring to Gary Polland as a "big whig"; apparently the correct spelling is "big wig."

Only it turns out that in my crazy over-stuffed mind, I managed to accidentally correct a linguistic fluke:

Have you ever heard someone called a "big wig"? The expression really should be Big Whig. It was used to describe members of Henry Clay's Whig Party. Most of the wealthy influential people of the time were Whigs—just the kind of people who would be called big wigs today!

Only it also turns out that there is another interpretation!

Back in the dim and distant past, before the days of hair products, bad hair days were much more common. Rather than having to deal with this problem, people wore wigs, or artificial hair. Though the use of wigs was known in ancient Greece and Rome, we are here concerned with the wig worn as a distinctive piece of costume.

This trend apparently started in France in the early seventeenth century; the fashion reached England later in the seventeenth century. England being England, wigs were differentiated based on class and profession. Men of great importance naturally wore larger wigs than the rabble, and so they were called big wigs.

Bigwig was first used just after the turn of the eighteenth century, and was generally humorous or derisive at the time. It spawned a number of derived terms such as bigwiggery and bigwiggism. The wearing of wigs gradually declined in England among doctors and clergymen; by the coronation of Queen Victoria, for example, only the Archibishop of Canterbury still wore a wig. Wigs are still worn as part of the costume of certain officials and jurists, though there is a movement to abolish their use entirely.

So there you have it. Two perfectly plausible explanations. Although for the second there appears to be quite a bit of confusion over when the term arose, although it would have been at some time during the 18th century. Incidentally, one suggested origin for the word "Whig" is that it meant "country bumpkin" in the 17th century. This being Texas and all, maybe "big whig" is more appropriate after all?

At any rate, I think there seems to be a pretty settled etymology for "O.K." Incidentally, it appears that it originated as a slur against Andrew Jackson by... the Whigs:

Van Buren's opponents tried to turn the phrase against him, saying that it had originated with Van Buren's allegedly illiterate predecessor, Andrew Jackson, a story that has survived to this day. They also devoted considerable energy to coming up with unflattering interpretations, e.g., "Out of Kash, Out of Kredit, and Out of Klothes."

Newspaper editors and publicists around the country delighted in coming up with even sillier interpretations-- Oll Killed, Orfully Konfused, Often Kontradicts, etc.--so that by the time the campaign was over the expression had taken firm root nationwide.

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January 29, 2005

Tom Delay in the Middle East

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Thank you.

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January 24, 2005

Showing Real Support

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

From Natalie Dee...

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January 21, 2005

Bush a Satanist?

By Byron LaMasters

Well, I am amused with the press the whole thing is getting. Apparently, the Norwegian press translated President Bush's "Hook 'em Horns" hand signal with the similar motion that is a Satanist signal in Norway. It's always amusing how different signs mean different things in different cultures.

However, while I think it's great that the President is a Longhorn fan, I can't help but note that the University of Texas rejected him for Law school, so he had to settle for Harvard Business School instead. Nor is President Bush a native Texan. He was born in Connecticut, and he went to school at Yale. So, who knows? Is President Bush really a Longhorn fan after all? He might just be a Satanist. You never know...

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January 19, 2005

I heart Jib Jab

By Byron LaMasters

You gotta love it. It's the Bush second term. Among the idiocy of the Bush administration, it's nice to be able to laugh once in awhile.

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December 20, 2004

Drunk Republicans and Free Champagne

By Byron LaMasters

This is just a funny story from my personal life this past Saturday night. Read it if you want. There's just something about Republicans, especially drunk Republicans that just amuses the heck out of me...

A friend of mine from Waxahachie that I've known since high school was celebrating his 21st birthday on Saturday night. He invited seven friends or so to celebrate with him by joining him at his suite, taking a limo to dinner, going around town in the limo, then back to the suite. That's not something I'm going to turn down on a Saturday night, so I said sure.

Around 10 PM we get to the Maggiano's at Northpark Mall for dinner where we proceed to order a family style meal at about $22 / person. It's a little pricy, but reasonable for a nice restuarant. About halfway through the meal, the birthday boy (who was a little bit drunk, and had been telling everyone we walked by that it was his 21st birthday) came back to the table followed by a rather intoxicated middle-aged businessman who he had "met" in the bathroom. That sounded a little bit suspicious, but we decided to go with the flow, and see what the deal was.

Sure enough, this man pulled out his credit card and declared that everyone needs a good bottle of champagne on their 21st birthday, so he proceeded to hand our server his credit card and order a 1985 Dom Perignon for $150. Then he ordered a second one. And then a third one for our table of eight. In the end, he offered to pay for the entire bill of over $700.

Nice guy, huh? Well, that's not the end of the story. At one point he asked one of the females in our group to sit on his lap, to which he added, "Don't worry, I'm not a fudgepacker or anything". Amusingly, of the five guys at the table, four of us were gay, and the straight guy was a Democratic candidate for state representative this year in Waxahachie whose name rhymes with "snake". On Sunday, I managed to look this guy up on OpenSecrets.org only to learn that he gave over $5000 to Colorado Republicans in 2004.

Anyway, so this nice drunk Republican businessman from Colorado bought a $700 meal for a bunch of gays, gay Democrats and well, just those ordinary heterosexual Democrats. We were kind enough to call a cab for him to take him to wherever he was staying, but I think that we all got the last laugh.

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December 17, 2004

Biggest news of the day

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

I'm sure you've all heard about it. It was breaking news last night and dominated the airwaves all day Thursday. I've spent several hours reviewing the tape and, in my secret undisclosed location bunker, I am now ready to inform all of you who read BOR of my findings:

This is the cutest White House Barney video ever! Karl Rove has people throwing balls at him and the nominee for Attorney General, Al Gonzales, talking to a dog. The most unsettling thing is the president's performance. You would think after all those scripted press conferences he would do a better job, especially when his opposite is a small Scottish terrier, but I guess he's a C- student at that, too.

What? It's not like there was a new tape from Osama bin Laden to review or anything.

This is a guest post from Nathan Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com

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December 10, 2004

"Greed is good"

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

Just skimming through Slate, I saw the headline "Who's more interesting, Paris Hilton or Karl Rove?" I knew that I had to write something about that.

The article is on Barbara Walter's special and the throwback to the 80s that it brings to mind, like putting Paris Hilton at No. 2 behind Karl Rove, and listing usual celebrities like Mel Gibson and Oprah Winfrey. I have to say I agree whole-heartedly with the conclusions about consumerism and celebrity worship found inside. I have to add, so what?

I think a little celebrity worship is good. I like Paris Hilton. I think she's got a nice tan and lots of ambition to be a major star. What's wrong with that? I like Karl Rove because he wants to win, kudos to him. I like Oprah because... damnit, she's Oprah! Mel still kinda weirds me out.

And it's the American Dream to succeed and be rich and turn your back on everybody and drive a Ferrari (OK maybe that's just my dream). I want people to get rich and live a good life, then I have no problem taxing them at 40% and paying for everyone's college tuition or health care insurance. And if we tax them into the poor house, they can get in one of our many wonderful govt. programs that make poor people rich so that we can tax the hell out of them to help poor people. It's the circle of life.

The only problem I see with celebrity worship is that occassionally someone tries to kill the president because they think they are in love with Jodie Foster (come to think of it, the 80s gave us that, too). Price you pay, I guess.

Seriously though, a little star gazing is all right and it keeps the dream alive. And consumerism keeps the economy humming along (Paris Hilton... humming?), albeit not so well right now. As much as we might not all agree with some of the values that lie underneath all of this, they are American values that got through the Reagan years and got Bill Clinton in the White House.

This is a guest post from Nate Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com.

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Another fun news fact

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

I haven't posted all day, so I thought my first one of the night should be something that concerns bloggers the world over: Laptops — threat to male fertitlity.

Not a pleasant thought for any blogger on the go.

I'll be posting more later tonight, right now I'm stuck at work. I may even do one of my infamoust Tuesday's with Tucker Carlson posts after I watch the show this morning.

This is a guest post by Nate Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com.

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November 29, 2004

Poor Aggies Continued

By Byron LaMasters

I HAD to take a picture of this when I saw it today...

You'll see the sign on your left going northbound on Guadalupe just north of campus. Kerbey Lane is a favorite campus area hangout. It has that grungy / granola "old Austin" feel to it. It's open 24/7, and they've got Kerbey Queso to die for, even if their service is well... a bit lacking at times (meaning all the time).

Speaking of Kerbey... a little bird told me that Howard Dean was spotted at Kerbey Lane a few weeks ago. Apparently, he was in town for some tournament that his daughter was in, but made no public appearances -- just a few very small, private events with old supporters. And yes, he's sending out feelers for a run for DNC chair, although I'm personally more of a fan of Simon Rosenberg.

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November 18, 2004

I'm too lazy to blog. Here, talk to this robot instead.

By Jim Dallas

As some of you may note, it bears an uncanny resemblance to about half of the diarists on DailyKos and 3/4s of the commenters on Atrios.

Why lie? It's the truth!

From Sean Gleeson.

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November 16, 2004

More Jesusland Prudishness

By Byron LaMasters

Last week is was about airing Saving Private Ryan on network television.

This week it's the concept of I-69. U.S. Rep John Hostettler has a problem with the proposed name. Here's the hoax story anyway:

John Hostettler, the Congressman representing the 8th district of Indiana, has been convinced by local religious groups to introduce legislation in the House that would change the name of an Interstate 69 extension to a more moral sounding number.

There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state’s economy, religious conservatives believe “I-69” sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate’s number.

Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. “Every time I have been out in the public with an ‘I-69’ button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.”

What a putz. Ok, well nevermind, he's still a putz. I want an I-69 button, damn it! Someone should start selling them, and donate the proceeds to his challenger in two years. We need to take back the bloody eighth anyway.

Moving on over to Texas, here's the proposed route of I-69 in Texas.

Via Wonkette.

Update: The Stakeholder notes that Hostettler has a history of erratic behavior such as taking a handgun to the airport.

Update #2: Ok, well it's a hoax. Oxblog updated their post with a correction as well. Still, considering that Hostettler is overall a little nutty, the fact that he would have gotten all worked up about something like "I-69" is not surprising.

Update #3: Well, regardless, it's humorous to see that Hostettler is catching some flak over the story (and the link has an interview with the original author of the story as well).

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November 10, 2004

Bush's Mandate

By Byron LaMasters

Oh, how I love google bombing...

Click here, or go to Google.com. Type in "Bush Mandate". And yes, you're feeling lucky today :-)

Of course, I have to do my part to ensure it stays number one... Bush mandate.

Via Atrios among others.

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Pistols or swords?

By Byron LaMasters

This is hilarious:

Sen. Zell Miller, who famously challenged MSNBC host Chris Matthews to a duel during the Republican convention this year, now may have to face New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

Appearing on Don Imus' national radio program on Tuesday, Miller ripped the woman he called "Maureen Loud," calling her a "highbrow hussy from New York." He added that the "red-headed woman at the New York Times" should not mock anyone's religion: "You can see horns just sprouting up through that Technicolor hair."

Asked by the New York Post for a response, Dowd said: "I'm not a highbrow hussy from New York. I'm a highbrow hussy from Washington. Senator, pistols or swords?"

Miller had said: "The more Maureen Loud gets on 'Meet the Press' and writes those columns, the redder these states get. I mean, they don't want some highbrow hussy from New York City explaining to them that they're idiots and telling them that they're stupid."

Yup, and the more liberals / Democrats Zell Miller challenges to a duel the bluer the blue states get.

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October 28, 2004

Heard on the blogs

By Jim Dallas

Now around here we love consultants, and in fact some of us aspire to be consultants. But I found the following joke posted in one of the comment threads over at Pandagon.com to be painfully on-target.

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, conects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, a miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Democratic party," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.

........ "Now give me back my dog."

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October 22, 2004

Only in California...

By Byron LaMasters

I'm surprised Boi From Troy hasn't latched on to this San Francisco Chronicle story yet:

The sex lives of California's two hottest politicians took center stage this week, with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger confessing that his wife cut him off for two weeks after his speech at the Republican convention and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's wife bragging to a New York audience about her husband's size -- and how she keeps him happy.


In a Q&A with former White House Chief of Staff and ex-Rep. Leon Panetta in Monterey, the host asked Schwarzenegger how his famously Democratic wife, Maria Shriver, had reacted to his speech supporting President Bush at the Republican National Convention.

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days,'' the governor told the thousand- person audience. "Everything comes with side effects.''


Guilfoyle Newsom was a last-minute sub for her husband at the gay rights event, which drew 1,100 guests. By all accounts, Guilfoyle Newsom -- who lives in New York and is a regular on Court TV -- gave an inspired speech.

But what really brought the house down was when she started talking about her hubby.

"I know that many of you wanted to see my husband and some of you had questions out there,'' Guilfoyle Newsom said.

"Is he hot? Yeah.

"Is he hung? Yeah.

"Is he (she waved her hand to suggest bisexual)? Not unless you can give a better (she mimicked eating a banana) than me,'' Guilfoyle Newsom said.

The mayoral bride's remarks have become the talk of San Francisco City Hall.

Haha. I guess Gavin Newsom knows what will get him reelected in San Francisco...

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October 19, 2004

Republican Sign Stealers are Stupider than Democratic Sign Stealers

By Byron LaMasters

I try not to get too worked up about sign stealing, because, well it happens. Both sides do it, and it's part of the game. As for office break-in's and vandalism, that's a different story. Both sides have done it in this election, and that's another issue entirely, but this story made me laugh my ass off:

A Lakewood Republican stealing campaign signs late one night got nabbed when he ran across a low-hanging driveway chain, fell face first onto a pilfered sign and the concrete and knocked himself unconscious.

Randal Wagner, 50, was loaded into an ambulance, treated at Lutheran Medical Center for abrasions and facial cuts and issued a summons.

Idiocy at it's greatest.... via Political Wire.

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October 18, 2004

Who Ever Heard of a Good Piece of Elephant?

By Byron LaMasters

This is bunk. Democrats are way sexier than Republicans.

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September 24, 2004

Quote of the Day

By Byron LaMasters

“At least he didn’t challenge me to a duel” - GA Dem chair Bobby Kahn on Zell Miller's latest memo attacking President Carter and Kahn.

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September 08, 2004

Because picking on Oklahoma is too hard to resist...

By Byron LaMasters

If I weren't from Texas, I'd probably be a little bit more judgemental about Oklahoma, but Texas politics is sufficiently screwed up, that I can't really get on their case.

Seriously, though, from almost electing right-wing nut Steve Largent as governor, to the horny judge to the U.S. Senate candidate Tom Coburn (R-OK) who believes that abortion doctors should be executed after having performed two abortions himself - Oklahoma has its share of craziness. Well, thank god Brad Carson is in the race, because the Independent candidate for the U.S. Senate seat almost makes Tom this-senate-race-is-about-good-versus-evil Coburn look sane. The Oklahoman reports:

Independent U.S. Senate candidate Sheila Bilyeu claims the federal government implanted a device inside her head in the 1970s and has sent messages for years to annoy her.


"Mean politicians ... have been after me for years and years and years," she said last week. "I know it sounds nuts, but it's true."


Bilyeu, 60, has repeatedly sued the U.S. government in federal courts in Florida, Virginia, California and Washington, D.C.

Most of those lawsuits also named former President Clinton and other politicians as defendants.

"It's like a little radio," she said of the supposed device in her head. "They can transmit in stuff and talk to me. It sounds like I'm a schizophrenic, but I'm not. Anyway, it has caused me a lot of trouble and pretty much ruined my life and so I've filed these lawsuits about that."

You can read the rest in the extended entry. It gets better. I swear!

Bilyeu was born in Oklahoma in 1944 and graduated in 1966 from Oklahoma State University with a home economics degree.

Bilyeu filed for the Senate seat from Virginia. She has since returned to Oklahoma and said she is looking for inexpensive housing.

She said she "has been sleeping in my car for much of the last 10 years and living below the poverty line because of politics and greed."

She also ran for U.S. president this year as a Green Party candidate and for governor of Texas in 1986 as a Democrat.

She calls herself an educator and political activist. She said she has campaigned for independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader.

She said she last worked an education job as a school counselor in Ponca City in the 1992-1993 school year. She moved from there to Florida and later to Virginia.

Judges dismissed all her lawsuits against the federal government. Judges wrote they were hard to understand.

In her D.C. lawsuit, U.S. District Judge Richard W. Roberts wrote in 2001: "Plaintiff has filed a narrative, stream-of-consciousness complaint that, as best as I can tell, revolves around the plaintiff's belief that a conspiracy led by President Clinton has implanted a transmission device in her head, 'gassed' her and stolen her dog."

In California, a U.S. magistrate last year said Bilyeu's allegations of "a vast conspiracy of powerful people" were far-fetched and vague.

The magistrate, Carla Woehrle, noted that Bilyeu asked in the lawsuit "that the 'device' be removed by doctors who are not part of the conspiracy, that she be protected by 'good authorities,' that she receive damages of $50 million or whatever is fair, and that her dog be found and returned to her."

In the 1990s, Bilyeu unsuccessfully sued Ponca City schools, game show host Alex Trebek, CBS anchor Dan Rather and others.

She would not discuss her lawsuit against Trebek. She said Rather did not use her name on the news, but "was making insinuations about me -- that I was a whore or something."

Her lawsuit against Ponca City schools alleged educators there were part of the "evil political conspiracy" against her.

She has appealed some cases to the U.S. Supreme Court.

"I found that there are a lot of corrupt judges that don't really care about justice. And justice is one of my really big issues. I think there are a lot of those judges that need to be weeded out," she said.

She claims she has been targeted by conspirators because she was born with a "V" mark on her head and was known as the "victory baby." She said politicians have tried to stop her from running for office because they fear she will "mess up their ... power and their money."

She said the device was stuck in her head during an operation in the late 1970s at a military base in Arizona.

She said things got worse while Clinton was president because she spoke out against him. She said she was gassed in her apartment and in her car.

"You can't even believe all the equipment they can use on somebody that they don't like," she said.

She said she has never been in a mental hospital. But she would not say if she has ever been under a psychiatrist's or psychologist's care.

She said the CIA or a rogue unit use satellites to transmit the messages -- mostly "put downs" -- inside her head. Asked during an interview the time of the last transmission, she said, "Today."

"I really think it's political," she said. "I think the Clintons are out to get me. ... Somebody still is. Somebody is still funding the unit that is transmitting."

She said she is running for Senate largely because she is against the war in Iraq.

"We've wasted a lot of young people's lives and billions ... of dollars that should have been used back here on health care and all kinds of things that we needed," she said.

"I really do care about this country and want it to get back on track like it's supposed to be."

She admits she was thrown in jail in 2000 for sleeping in her car in a church parking lot in Virginia. "That whole deal was part of the conspiracy," she said.

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August 23, 2004

Is this a Beer Commercial or Oklahoma?

By Byron LaMasters

I know I've been hard on Oklahoma this week, but some things are really just too hard to resist. As does any campaign, my friends on the Oklahoma Democratic Coordinated / Carson campaign routinely look through the local newspapers for relevent political stories. This one isn't exactly relevent, but it's certainly amusing. From the Sulphur (OK) Times-Democrat on Thursday, July 15, 2004:

A few visitors to Arbuckle Lake got more than they bargained for as they witnessed two Sulphur women engaged in a brawl, tearing off each other's bathing suit tops. The incident occurred Friday, July 10.

According to a report by a Chickasaw National Recreation Area park ranger, Candace Denise Hamilton, a.k.a. Candace Denise Rochelle, and Melody Mae Fisher are both facing a disturbing the peace charge for the brawl.

The ranger's report indicates the woman, who are sisters, were arguing in the water near Buckhorn Pavillion about 7 p.m. when the argument escalated to a fight.

Witnesses said the women were in the water and started cussing each other, fighting and tearing off each other's bikini tops.

"At one point, Fisher held Hamilton underwater for several seconds and when she let her up, they both started hitting and cussing at each other," the report states.

Fisher left the water and was followed by Hamilton and the fight continued.

Witnesses told the ranger the fight continued for about five minutes during which time both of the women's bathing suit tops were again ripped off, exposing their breasts to the other visitors and children in the picnic area.

Witnesses said Fisher left the area, with Hamilton cussing at her as she left. She then began cussing at the children in her group, quieting down when she received a phone call.

When the officer arrived, Hamilyon was still at the scene, but Fisher had left. Hamilton was arrested, and an assult warrant was issued for Fisher, Monday.

Hamilton told the officer she couldn't remember what they had been fighting about, and their tops had come off accidentally. She said Fisher had bit her by the eyebrow, and there were visible teeth marks under her left eyebrow, according to the ranger's report.

Hamilton received a one year deferred sentence and a $100 fine. She also has to write a letter of apology to the witnesses. At press time, Fisher had not yet been apprehended.


Update: Previously reported here. And here's a report from the Ardmoreite:

Two Sulphur sisters shocked park visitors when they lost their bathing suit tops during a fight in the Chickasaw Recreation Area Saturday. One of the women, Candace Denise Rochelle Hamilton, 32, was arrested by park rangers for disturbing the peace.

Ranger Susan Thompson reported responding to a call of two women fighting at the Buckhorn Pavilion at approximately 7 p.m. Several witnesses told the officer Hamilton and her sister, Melody Mae Fisher, began cursing each other and fighting while they were in the water. At one point during the fight, Fisher held Hamilton underwater for several seconds.

When the fight continued and moved to the shore, witnesses said both women lost their tops, exposing their breasts to other visitors and children in the picnic area. After the fight raged on for about five minutes, Fisher finally left the area with Hamilton cursing her and the children in her group. Hamilton reportedly quieted down after receiving a phone call.

Hamilton admitted fighting with her sister but couldn't remember what they had been fighting about. She said their tops had come off accidentally during the altercation. Hamilton had visible teeth marks under her left eyebrow.

Because of witnesses statements and Hamilton's admission of the fight, she was arrested for disturbing the peace by fighting and the use of profane language.

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August 09, 2004

Bad Idea

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Some advice.

Never play Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells soundtrack on shuffle or random. Since the CD is practically one huge song, playing it out of order will cause severe mental confusion.

That is all.

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July 15, 2004

Don't Call him Chicken. Or maybe so.

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Here's one for you sociologists and others into weird stories.

Man In Fiji Raised As A Chicken

A man in Suva, Fiji, is being taught to act human after being raised as a chicken. Sunjit Kumar was locked in a chicken coop for several years as a young boy, after his parents died and he was handed over to his grandfather.

He had little contact with humans during that time and picked up the habits of the birds. Kumar escaped from the chicken coop and was taken to a local hospital. But the staff did not know how to treat him, so they confined him. He spent 20 years there, often tied to his bed.

Kumar, who is now 32, finally got a second chance at life when he was discovered by Elizabeth Clayton, a native New Zealander and president of the Suva Rotary Club. Clayton said doctors examined Sunjit and found no mental defects. Professionals agreed that his condition was the result of years of neglect and abuse.

"He had imitated or imprinted with the chicken," Clayton said. "He was perching, he was picking at his food, he was hopping around like a chicken. He'd keep his hands in a chickenlike fashion, and he'd make a noise, which was like the calling of a chicken, which he still has."

Clayton took over Kumar's care and he has reportedly made "remarkable progress," learning to walk and speak like a human.

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June 30, 2004

Element of Surprise...

By Andrew Dobbs

(Crosspost from Yellow Dog Blog)

Thought y'all might like this. From the Borowitz Report:


Element of Surprise Cited As Bush Romps to Victory

Inspired by the early handover of sovereignty in Iraq, President George W. Bush employed the element of surprise once more last night, holding the U.S. presidential election four months early.

The election, about which only top Bush administration officials were notified, went exceedingly well for the president, who carried all fifty states and garnered approximately one hundred percent of the vote.

Mr. Bush¹s victory speech, which he had originally scheduled for eleven P.M.. last night, was at the last minute rescheduled to nine P.M., once again capitalizing on the element of surprise.

In his speech, Mr. Bush admitted that he might have had a more difficult time getting reelected if the American people had actually been notified about the time and date of the voting, but added, ³A win¹s a win, right?²

Mr. Bush¹s second inauguration is slated to take place on January 20, 2005, but administration officials acknowledged that it could happen ³at any time..²

³For all I know it has already happened,² one aide said.

While the stealth presidential election seems to have cemented the Bush administration¹s reputation for secrecy, one aide said that some secrets were harder to keep than others: ³For example, everyone knows how Paul Wolfowitz gets his hair to look so great.²

White House officials praised the performance of the controversial new Diebold electronic voting machines, which successfully tabulated final results from Florida before a single vote was cast.

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June 22, 2004

I'm sorry sir...

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

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June 04, 2004

Time to Vote

By Byron LaMasters

On who gets booted from the island on D Trip TV. I voted off Tom DeLay, but Ann Coulter and John Ashcroft give him tough competition. George Bush, Dick Cheney and Katherine Harris have immunity in this round.

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June 02, 2004

Late Night Freaks

By Byron LaMasters

Maybe I stay up too late. Or maybe people on the Internet at 1:45 in the morning are just freaks, but it kind of freaked me out to check out my latest referrals and realize that within ten minutes, this website was found by a search on MSN for "anal+boils+sex" and a Yahoo Search on "where to find prostitutes in Waco".

Needless to say, I don't think these guys found what they were looking for. Sorry to disappoint...

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May 22, 2004

Study Shows that Republicanism is Genetic!

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that
Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators. One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings.

"I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know." Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics. A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their outrageous political beliefs. For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

The question facing future generations is -- should they be allowed to marry?

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May 03, 2004

Funny Mondays

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Ok so the other day I mentioned the "John Kerry falls off his bike story" and mused how it was not really real news but a nice break from the current back and forth.

I then saw something today that reminds me that John Kerry is 'one of the populace.' I know, you are trying not to laugh, but hear me out.

People fall off their bikes. Normal people like you and me. The last time I rode a bike, I fell off it going down a hill and I havn't ridden a lot since then. Not because I'm scared but because I havn't needed to. But that's beside the point, which is that by falling off his bike, Kerry is just 'one of us.'

Compare this to our Commander-in-Chief, who has shown how he is not 'one of the masses.' Because he fell off his segway earlier this term. Because the masses can identify with that.

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April 13, 2004

Bush Waffles

By Byron LaMasters

As Jim mentioned today, President Bush is a flip-flopper.

What do do about it?

Take Jerome Armstrong's lead since the right is having so much fun serving up waffles to John Kerry.

Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles,Waffles!

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April 02, 2004

Bush Poster Maker

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Do you remember those days when the Bush Campaign had that great poster maker that we all hijacked? Well, it was a sad day when they took it down, I know I cried. But I just remembered that sitting in my favorites folder for over 2 weeks is a link to a site that someone has made that allows you to relive those days.

Yes, a new, improved Bush Poster Maker is here, with no restrictions on what words you can use. And what made me think of it again? I saw a Miserable Failure poster on a kiosk near my dorm. Picture in extended entry...


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March 29, 2004

Funny Mondays

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

This weeks edition is more slight of hand humor. As in, no knee-slapping but some politcal ideological bitch slapping.

To start with, the report from the Statesman last Saturday on the Friday Rally at the Capitol for Marriage Equality. The Austin Coalition for Marriage Equality website is now up and running, check it out.

And I'm sure our rally down here in Texas wasn't what made Former Governor/Wrestler Jesse Ventura speak up, but it's part of the movement at large. His comments...

Former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura threw his feather boa into the gay marriage ring Monday, calling it a "cop out" for Massachusetts lawmakers to send a constitutional ban to voters. "We have a representative-style government. Represent your people and vote and stand by what you believe in," said Ventura, who as a professional wrestler was known for his flamboyant costumes. "Civil rights issues should not be put on the ballot."

Currently a fellow at Harvard University's Institute of Politics, Ventura appeared at the Statehouse alongside State Auditor Joseph DeNucci, a former boxer.

"We're two tough guys here to show support for a basic human right," DeNucci said.

Clad in jeans and sneakers and wearing a full beard and a shaggy ring of hair, Ventura asked, "How is my marriage under attack if two gays or lesbians down the street want to make a lifelong commitment to themselves?"

Ventura, a one-term governor elected on the Reform Party ticket, added: "Love is bigger than government. Think about that."

In the extended part of this entry, Funny Monday's Actually gets funny with a bit I found that will make you smirk at Right-wing hypopcracy on Homosexuals being the big threat to the sanctity of marriage.

Food for thought

Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.

Bob Dole - divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.

Newt Gingrich - divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.

Dick Armey - House Majority Leader - divorced

Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas - divorced

Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced

Former Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced

George Will - divorced

Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced

Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.

Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "Bob Barr...WHICH marriage are you defending?"

Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced

Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor)

Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced

Henry Kissinger - divorced

Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced

Sen. John McCain of Arizona - divorced

Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced

Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced

And on and on....

Don't worry about homosexuals destroying the institution of marriage. The Christian Republicans are doing a fine job without anyone's help!

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March 24, 2004

Funny Wednesdays

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Ok, I havn't hada chance to post anything funny for the past two Mondays. Spring Break is my excuse for one, temporary insanity is my excuse for the other. So to make up for it I share this wonderful little bit of color that is slightly humorous to make up for it. Then you can go back to reading serious political discourse.


I got out early for Anthropology today, so it was interesting to walk around in the middle of the day with no one else seeming to be around on campus. Of course this is intereting to me simply because at UT around noon in the middle of the week, one could not possibly ask for more people moving from class to class.

But that aside, something caught my eye in Waggener Hall, room 109. On the door there are a lot of cartoons and such, but it was a little pie chart for a poll that interested me. It said...

Gen Xers were asked if they were alone on a desert island what one thing would they like to have with them. (or something very close to this)

And the number one answer with 29% was...


Um, does't that kind of defeat the entire point of being alone on a desert island?

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March 07, 2004

Funny Mondays Returns

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Yes, it's that time of week when you don't want to actually go to class or to work. So instead you choose to sit around reading the Burnt Orange Report. Fine be me.

This week's humor comes from a link to a link that someone suggested last week. So yes, you too can be useful if you leave comments or e-mail me (to the right) any funny things you want to bring to my attention.

We all love church signs. Some of the best slogans are found on them. So here is an entire site of them. My favorite two are in the extended entry.



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March 01, 2004

Funny Mondays

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

It's Monday once again. Which means that you are desparate for humor. So here you go. (And yes, I'm now calling it Funny Mondays and will try to continue this every week. If you have any particularly good stuff, send it to me. My e-mail can be found to the right under the "about us" heading.)

Its that time of year again... As you probably already know, the Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -- they are now in for 2003.

And now, the runner-ups: RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

RUNNER-UP A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

RUNNER-UP A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, Mother-Stickers--This is a F***-up! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas The whole event was caught on videotape.

RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's> the lady I stole the purse from."

RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked

RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER. When his 38-calibre Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

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February 23, 2004

Break a Leg

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

It's Monday again, so time for some humor here on the BOR. Our first piece is from Fredericksburg. No, not my hometown out in the Hill Country but historic Fredericksburg, Virginia.

A Fredericksburg man has been charged with yanking off a neighbor's prosthetic leg and beating him with it during an argument.

Authorities say the fight started when the victim, Michael Clapp, 38, discovered a bottle of medicine missing from his Townsend Boulevard apartment Wednesday night.

Clapp suspected his neighbor, 27-year-old Rodney Prophitt, and went next door to confront him around 7:15 p.m., city police spokesman Jim Shelhorse said. When he did, police say, Prophitt knocked Clapp to the ground, then pulled off his artificial leg and struck him with it several times.

"At some point, Mr. Clapp was able to grab his leg back, get back to his apartment and call 911," Shelhorse said.

Police charged Prophitt with felonious assault and petty larceny. Clapp was treated at Mary Washington Hospital for a broken nose and other facial injuries. Shelhorse did not know what type of medication was taken or why Clapp has a prosthetic leg.

Ok, I'm sure Mr. Clapp didn't think it was funny but come on, it's not everyday that one gets beaten with their own body parts.

For more humor, this time involving our President and his Team, check out the extended entry...

Here ya go.

Hot on the heels of the capture of Saddam Hussein, security guards at New York's Kennedy airport today arrested an individual, later identified as a public school teacher, trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney-General John Ashcroft said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney-General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

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February 16, 2004

Things you have to Believe to be a Republican Today

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Why? Because it's Monday and everyone could use some humor...

Sent to me by a friend...

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United Statesshould get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care Toall Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

If you think of any more, add them to the comments.

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February 11, 2004

Gotta love the things parent's say

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Not that any of you really care about what my mother thinks, but she does write me some of the funniest e-mails and I just can't resist posting some of her comments here. The latest...

I think it is awesome that Dean is sticking with it even after Wisconsin- Go, Dean, Go! You gotta believe! This thing ain't over yet, baby!

Ok, that fanatical comment aside...

I think we need to go ahead with Bush's Mars plan, because apparently he needs to go back to his home world where people actually believe the stuff he says- like he's going to create 2.6 million jobs this year! Wow! And denial is just a river in Egypt!

Bush must be in great shape physically from all the backpedaling and spinning he does on the Iraq war- now it seems we have a right to invade countries that pose a "possible threat". Shit, that's half the world. Where next, North Korea? He must be stopped.

Andrew, need any one-liner writers over there at the YDB?

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February 10, 2004

How to Reduce UT Enrollment

By Byron LaMasters

As the largest University in the country with over 50,000 students, we're always talking about ways to deal with the enrollment issues we have at UT. This year, our freshman class is smaller than from the past couple of years as fewer students were admitted. Another proposal has been to limit students to five years (10 long semesters) at the University. Still, we're always looking for ways to reduce enrollment even further. A Daily Texan opinion collumn last week had several interesting ideas. Here's some of the collumn with my favorite ideas:

The Enrollment Task Force, given more than a year of research, has come up with a list of strategies that at best would modestly reduce the number of fifth-year seniors and at worst would punish students who have to take a foreign language. Yours truly, given a couple of days, has come up with a list of suggestions that would at best reduce the numbers of incoming freshmen and at worst turn this campus into an unbearable war zone.


Young Conservatives of Texas on the Welcome Committee

Nothing says open arms like a group whose ideas to better campus include the erection of a Ten Commandments statue. Say goodbye to "Gone to Texas," and say hello to "Gone to Protest a Dixie Chicks Concert." It would allow the YCT to profile any students they deem dangerous and would cut down freshman enrollment by at least 20 percent, though those excluded would probably be mostly minority students.

Turn the West, South and East Malls into Unrestricted Rally Spaces

All groups, student or otherwise, would have open range to protest all day and all night. A 500-foot Justice For All tower depicting aborted fetuses and a 1,500-foot Campus Coalition for Peace and Justice tower depicting Iraqi war victims would obstruct the Tower. Anyone trying to get to the Main Building or the UGL will have to fight his or her way through throngs of foul smelling anti-Bush vegans chucking copies of the Socialist Worker and spray-painting anyone wearing GAP khakis.

Stop Printing Campus Maps

Getting around the 40 Acres is no easy task. Among the constant construction, idiots on bikes and buildings with 20 different names, it's amazing that anyone gets anywhere. Banning all campus maps will eliminate anyone who lacks the social or directional skills to find out where they are going. As a side benefit, geography majors, like myself, could make some extra dough by designing and selling our own contraband maps.

Let Campus and Community Involvement Handle the Application Process

Somehow, the CCI takes the simplest of tasks - such as booking a room - and turns it into an affair slightly more complicated than filing the taxes for a Fortune 500 corporation. If CCI was in charge you'd need 15 letters of recommendation, fill out 200 pages of forms, and hand more than $8. You would have to send and resend the application back and forth half a dozen times because you forget to dot an "i" or because they lost a form. When all that was done they'd probably just end up sending you to the wrong university anyways.

Move the business school to Vidor, Texas

They think they're better than a majority of the population, so why not send them to a place where they really might be? Everyone wants to get into the McCombs School of Business, but would it remain that popular if their students had to drive back and forth between here and Vidor in the 10 minutes allotted between classes?

Five-Year Ban on Students from Plano

If you're sitting in class, reading this instead of paying attention to the lecture, look around. See that kid in the green polo? He went to Plano. See that girl in the "Everybody is Somebody in Luckenbach" T-shirt? She's from Plano too. In fact, just about everyone you've ever met have been from Plano. I say we cut them off for five years. That should reduce enrollment to just the 25,000 students from Houston.

Obviously, my favorite was having YCT on the welcome committee. For those of you not familiar with UT, every year Justice For All, an anti-abortion organization gets the West Mall rally space for a week or so to erect their 20-foot high signs of aborted fetuses. And of course, we also have the ISO (International Socialist Organization), which is usually protesting something. Also, as a former club president, I can personally atest to the difficulty in getting anything accomplished at the CCI office. Yes, there's several really nice people that work there, but good god.... it took forever to get things throught their bureaucracy.

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February 01, 2004

On a Lighter Note

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

In order to provide some cheer here (for my own sake and for you, the reader), I give you the latest "Anybody Buts."

Just think if it was Clark. We'd have the Alphabet.

Just think if it was Edwards. We'd have Lincoln.

Just think if it was Shaprton. We'd have muscles.

Thanks you and Good Night!

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January 29, 2004

Chris P. Carrot

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

I thought I was crazy when I was in Iowa before the Black and Brown Debate. I wrote about it in an entry of mine back then that I thought I saw a Crispy Carrot running for office and that the three supporters there were more than the Clark, Lieberman, Sharpton, Moseley Braun, and Bush campaigns combined.

Low and behold, today I stumble across an article today about Chris P. Carrot running in New Hampshire. It's a PETA project. There is a whole website for him. And the saddest part?

Vice President Colonel Corn.

Please. Make. It. Stop. Ow.

Posted at 12:56 AM to BOR Humor | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack

January 22, 2004

Howard Dean Remixed!

By Byron LaMasters

Does anywhere have a complete list of the Howard Dean concession speech remixes? I think they're pretty funny. Here's the ones I can find:

Barlow Farms.

The Command Post.

a preponderance of evidence.

Yeagh (mp3 file).

FarmGolf.com: Howard Dean's Crazy Train (mp3 file).

Tex Aggie 79 (mp3 file).

Any more?

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January 21, 2004


By Andrew Dobbs

This will make your day

Posted at 10:00 PM to BOR Humor | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack

December 29, 2003

The Western White House`

By Byron LaMasters

The same folks that run White House.org, have started Western White House.org. Here's what they have to say:

The Western White House is the private ranch home of President and Mrs. George W. Bush. Located in the remote, charming hamlet of Crawford, Texas, the Western White House is a modest and photogenic reflection of the Bush family's folksy, down-home authenticity. Completed in 1999, the Western White House was designed by President Bush himself, and is notable for its patriotic and evocative melding of architectural highlights from Baptist prayer halls, medium security penitentiaries, and antebellum tobacco plantations.

Also check out the floorplans of the Western White House.

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November 27, 2003

Haiku Thursdays (11/27/03)

By Jim Dallas

Don't be a turkey,
donate to the DNC.
Happy Thanksgiving!

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November 19, 2003

Darwin Awards Nomination

By Byron LaMasters

I had a teacher in high school who would read our class once every other week the latest Darwin Awards awarded to "honor those who improve our gene pool... by removing themselves from it."

Here's a nomination.

A vodka-drinking competition in a southern Russian town ended in tragedy with the winner dead and several runners-up in intensive care.

"The competition lasted 30, perhaps 40 minutes and the winner downed three half-litre bottles. He was taken home by taxi but died within 20 minutes," said Roman Popov, a prosecutor pursuing the case in the town of Volgodonsk.

"Five contestants ended up in intensive care. Those not in hospital turned up the next day, ostensibly for another drink."

Mr Popov said the director of the shop organising this month's contest had been charged with manslaughter. He had offered 10 litres of vodka to the competitor drinking the most in the shortest time.

Damn. A vodka-drinking contest? Sounds like a college party, but much more hardcore. Stupid at that. Russians...

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November 14, 2003

Play the Filibuster Drinking Game

By Byron LaMasters

Via the Gunther Concept:

In any event, and unfortunately for fans of tedium, the actual filibuster began last night, and apparently was not televised in its entirety by C-SPAN. On the off chance that it gets shown on the weekend, when C-SPAN has a lot of empty air time, I thought it would be useful to have some way of passing the time. This “Filibuster Drinking Game” might do the trick. Here are the rules:

Take a drink when…
someone uses the word “outrageous” or “outrage”
x2 if its said by Orrin Hatch
someone uses the word “obstructionist”
someone uses the phrase “litmus test”
someone uses the phrase “original intent”
someone uses the word “hypocrite” or “hypocritical”
x2 if its said by Orrin Hatch
x4 if Saxby Chambliss speaks
x8 if Bill Frist strangles a cat
x2 if Trent Lott gets to speak outside of the 1:00am to 6:00am time window

That could be fun. Who wants to play?

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October 27, 2003

A Letter to Clear Channel

By Jim Dallas

From Brady, a buddy of mine, over at livingindefinitely.com:

Clear Channel Communications
200 Basse Road
San Antonio, TX 78209


21 September 2003

Dear Clear Channel:

I am writing with an important request. As a regular radio listener, I feel that the amount of Toby Keith songs played on Clear Channel stations is way too high and ought to be reduced. To zero.

I don’t ask this because of Toby’s extreme knee-jerk right-wing politics. People of all political stripes should be on the radio. Why, just recently, some broadcast company whose name eludes me at the moment tried to ban Dixie Chicks songs just because they criticized President Bush. How ridiculous is that? No, I’m not asking you to stop playing Toby Keith songs because of his politics. I’m asking you to stop playing his songs because they’re incredibly shitty.


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October 02, 2003

Beer Saves Lives

By Byron LaMasters

Well, I always knew there was something about red wine and longevity, but beer? Well, maybe:

WHEN Scott Chippindale saw a youth trapped in the wreck of a burning van, he knew he had to act.

He had no water but he did have a six-pack of beer – which he used to douse the trapped driver's body.

His actions – a rare case of alcohol doing some good on our roads – may well have saved the driver's life.

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September 17, 2003

Heil Dubya!

By Byron LaMasters

Via Yahoo/Reuters.
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September 12, 2003

A Modest Proposal

By Jim Dallas

We're coming up on another election year, and not soon enough. Recent polling shows the President's approval rating falling through the floor. Unfortunately, the public doesn't think very much of us Democrats, either.

Millions of Americans wake up every morning asking themselves what possessed them to vote for our "whistle-ass" President and their less-than-lovable congresscritters (did I mention Congressional approval is back down into the 30s or low 40s?). Your friends, your neighbors, maybe even YOU, are struck with phenomenal guilt. Everytime they look at their children, they become overwhelmed with angst for having put those "no-talent assclowns" in office.

We at the Burnt Orange Report would like to believe that this won't be the case. We try to be idealists, honest (and this is why we're supporting Dr. Howard Dean for President.).

But we know that national politicians seem to have a profound knack for bringing along disappointment, regardless of age, gender, or party.

This is why I propose that our government do something to give the American people a reason to vote again. To wit, I propose that the federal government give every eligible voter a big bottle of tequila (and in those left coast hippie states where it wouldn't be frowned upon, a bag of weed).

I call it the Conscience Protection Program. Our motto: "Vote Early, Vote Often, But never, ever, ever Vote Sober."

Some may ask if this is a bit extreme; others may suggest it could lead to really bad decisions (as a totally hypothetical example, electing Arnold Schwarzenegger governor of California - my the electorate would have to really be tripping the light fantastic to do something like that!).

But given the law of large numbers, the totally random votes of a totally stoned voting public ought to give us the right choice.

(Which - Jesus be praised! - happens to be George W. Bush, by order of the United States Supreme Court.)

No more morning-after guilt. No more blaming yourself for driving the country off the cliff. The Conscience Protection Program.

Bottoms up, America!

UPDATE: Because I'm sure I've heard this joke before, I did a search on the Google. I found this prescription for guilt-less voting, but I also found this interesting (real) article:

It will be two pints of lager and a ballot paper please in Norway this year after a change in the law allowing voters to get drunk and then go out to vote.

"The election board can no longer refuse anyone to vote because they are intoxicated," an adviser at the Local Government Ministry said this week.

Until now, Norway's election law has denied entry to polling stations anyone with "seriously impaired judgment" or "reduced consciousness" from booze, but that law has been scrapped, adviser Steinar Dalbakk told the Bladet Tromsoe newspaper.

But Norwegians will have to sober up again for the 2005 general elections. Politicians - possibly fearing the effects of a political hangover - have re-enacted the law banning drunken voting.

The new law will however not take effect until after September's local government polls.

This ought to be an interesting test-bed for my proposal, which could even perhaps inspire an entire policy paper.

Or not.

I think I was also subconsciously influenced to post this because of the late Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard (a hero of mine), who once suggested a similar plan to overcome the fear of flying.

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September 08, 2003

A Burnt Orange Cartoon

By Jim Dallas


P.S. My friend Brady has started posted again on Campaign Treehouse. Go there to read about the Million Zygote March and the Dean Follies.

Posted at 03:37 PM to BOR Humor | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

August 28, 2003

My Fair and Balanced Professor

By Byron LaMasters

"For FOX News to say they're fair and balanced is like Al-Jazeera saying they're fair and balanced"

- My Classical Civilization professor after noting that his class will be fair and balanced.

I like it already.

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August 12, 2003

Do you have a Gay Car?

By Byron LaMasters

I have the #8 Lesbian car! Yeah, I drive a Ford Ranger. So what are the gayest cars, you ask? The ultimate lesbian car is the Subaru Outback and the ultimate gay car is the VW Jetta. Nice. Gotta love Car Talk. Found via TX Woof, a new site which I found on my referrals page. Thanks for the link!

Posted at 10:38 PM to BOR Humor | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack

August 07, 2003

And I thought Texas Politics was Bizarre

By Byron LaMasters

Get your Georgy for Governor Thong!

And the sad thing is that she's one of the "normal" candidates. Just wait to see what the porn star and the smut peddler will be offering to sell on their campaign sites. *Sigh*

Posted at 02:13 AM to National Politics | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Traficant for President

By Byron LaMasters

There's been lot of talk about latecomers to the game with Wesley Clark and Joe Biden, but they're not the only ones thinking of joining the fight. Former Congressman Jim Traficant (D-Ohio) who's now in prison is considering a run for president. He's even got a website up and running, here. According to his website, Traficant wants to kick out of the country "free-traders" like Joe Lieberman, "communists" like Janet Reno and "socialists" like Howard Dean. Yet Traficant is running as a Democrat. Hey Jim, what about George W. Bush?

Yeah Jim, enjoy yourself in prison.

Traficant links found via Political State Report post by The Wyeth Wire.

August 02, 2003

How to get a Republican to Buy you a Drink

By Byron LaMasters

I've figured it out. I was at a bar last night, and being the dork I am, I was talking about politics with a Republican friend of mine. Our exchange was something along these lines:

Me: So you said that you like George Bush? Do you consider yourself a fiscal conservative? Friend: Yes. Me: How is Bush a fiscal conservative when we've gone from having a balanced budget a few years ago, to the largest budget deficits in decades, today? Friend: Well, we had a war, so there was nothing we could do about it. Me: Very well, but then wouldn't you say that if we're in a war, having a massive tax cut is not appropriate? Friend: Well, I pay $150 less in taxes a month, so I'm happy. Me: Fine, but soaring deficits today are a tax on my generation in decades to come. Is that fair? Friend: Well, I try to use my money to help my children and friends. Me: Well, good. You can start by buying me a drink. Friend: *Laughs for about 10 seconds, then goes and buys me a drink*

I love it.

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